Saturday, November 03, 2001

I’m searching for reasonably priced tickets to go home for the holidays, though I don’t really want to go.

I am going to be sad and missing ML and it will be an extra burden to appear happy for my mother, Lord knows she has had enough to worry about over the last couple of years without knowing about my life. I would prefer to just stay here, holed up with a couple of books, a pot of coffee, and thoughts of next year. I think I know how animals feel when they seek out a warm cave in which they can lick their wounds.

I had naively hoped that ML would be out by now so I had made no plans for the holidays, but of course even if she was on her own her family wouldn’t have permitted her to spend her first Christmas alone in a NY apartment. I should have thought it through.

Focus on the destination and not the timing; that has become my new mantra. I will say it a few hundred more times today.

Well, the only fares I have found so far are too high, so maybe I’ll take a road trip up to Canada or something. I’ll tell my Mom I’ll come home in February…

Thursday, November 01, 2001

Hey LG, you just had your first Halloween, and you were adorable. I like when you make your little Oh face. Your eyes get wide as something catches your eye, and then your mouth rounds into an O, giving you an expression somewhere between surprise and wonder. Usually this is when your tongue pokes out.

Your mother and I look at you and smile, hoping that you’ll smile back to light up your face and ours. You are a gift and I will never regret either your existence in our lives or the timing of your arrival. But there is little else we can do but look at you and smile because, with such a limited capacity for auto-entertainment at your early age, you will brook very little time outside the center of our attention.

For the last three days your mother and I have seen each other every day, and I’m smiling still at the thought of it. But “see each other” almost completely describes our interaction with each other, because most every other form of interaction that we contemplated was quickly made impractical by your constant demand for eye contact, cuddling, and carrying around from interesting object to interesting object. Every kiss was cut short, every embrace ended early, and every longing gaze was rushed; you simply would not be ignored. I’m sure it wasn’t on purpose, was it?

Your mother called a lawyer this week, and it was undoubtedly one of the toughest things she’s ever done. Unfortunately some destinations require really tough journeys, and your mother and I are both finding this out in a very real way right now. You though, I’m happy to tell you, are easing the way for both your mother and for me. You are absolutely the light of your mother’s life and I know she finds solace in the difficult times by simply looking at your face. A smile from you will make her smile no matter what she is feeling.

For my part, I can tell you that you awaken feelings in me that I didn’t know I would ever feel. I want to hug you every time I see you and you make me wonder how I could ever doubt wanting to have children. I’m so glad you came along so that I couldn’t be stupid and miss out on how you already make me feel. Some things are all about timing, and both your mother and you have arrived in my life at exactly the right moment.

Well LG, thanks for brightening up my Halloween. See you again soon.